328/365

I finished another book last night.

It was good.  I really am liking this series.  I need to hurry up and finish the third one before I get so swamped with school that I can't do any reading.  So this makes it book number 12/25!  I'm almost half way done with reading books and not even half way done with my three years yet!  Woo Hoo.  I know soon I won't have much time to read though.  So I will have to squeeze in as much as I can to reach this goal.


This New Years Eve was low key.  Again.  To tell you the truth, I've NEVER gone out on New Years Eve.  In high school I always ended up working.  I worked at a pizza place and we stayed open until midnight that night to take advantage of all the drunks wanting delivery.  Then I was pregnant my first year in England and I could legally go out.  Then 2004 Kayleigh was six months old and we went to Germany to visit Nate.  The next year I was pregnant.  The 2006 I was pregnant, again.  In 2007 Spencer was still a baby and we were at Nate's parents, they aren't partiers.  And Anniston, Alabama isn't exactly a partying town.  In 2008 we had just moved to Luke and didn't know anyone.  The next year we still really didn't know people (one of the reasons I hated it there!) .  And last year we were in billeting and driving to PCS here two days later!  So, I've never gone out.  Very unusual for someone who's almost 30!  Maybe one year I go and see what the fuss is all about.  Anyway we had a meat and vegi tray and watched movies.  I bough sushi yesterday and ate that for dinner.  Then we made brownies and had vanilla ice cream with warm brownies.  YUM!  What a way to ring in the new year.  With delicious food I don't allow myself very often.  I <3 brownies!  I could literally eat an entire pan by myself!!!

Chowing down!

Waiting on brownies and ice cream!

The Arctic Oasis was open today!  So I let Beckah know and she met us down there!  I was so happy they were open!  If they weren't I would have went 4 days without a workout!  And going that long makes me unmotivated.  It was really nice to see Beckah!  I've missed her.  I really wish they were stationed down here instead of up there.  I think we're going to try to plan a camping trip with them this summer.  It would be really fun!

Anyway, Nate told me something today that made me really mad!  Not mad at him, but mad in general.  He went out last night to celebrate the New Year.  And while he was out some girl came up to him out of the blue and tried to shove her tongue down his throat.  Then when he told her no, she told him where to find her when he was ready to get his "dick wet".  Isn't that disgusting.  It really bothers me. And I let him know that.  I know it was of no fault of his own and he didn't do anything to encourage it.  But the whole situation disturbs me.  It makes me angry.  I know he's been honest and faithful while he's been there, but it still doesn't stop those thoughts from creeping in the back of your head.  It would be so easy.  I would never know.  And the fact that so many take up these girls on these offers keeps those thoughts there.  I know I have a good man.  But it doesn't mean that I'm not worried.  All those other wives know they have good men too.  What makes me so good that he wouldn't want to?   I'll be the first to say, I have trust issues.  I've been dealing with them and I've been doing so much better.  This year I was finally able to say that I fully and completely trust Nate.  I was NEVER able to say that before.  But I feel like I took a step back tonight.  Not that I don't trust him (I know he'll jump right on that)  but I just have a hard time trusting in general.  It's MY issue. MY confidence.  What makes me good enough?  There have been times when I obviously was not good enough.  And I'm not much different from those times.  I'm still as jealous and crazy and neurotic.  I still have all the baggage that comes with who I am, plus some.

Of course I vocalized all this with Nate.  Hoping he would understand why I was upset.  At first he did, then he decided it all meant I don't trust him.  Which is not what I meant.  I'm just trying to process all this.  If the situation was flipped he would be mad too.  He would be hunting down any man who forced himself on me and lynch him.  He would also be mad at me if this all happened while I CHOSE not to wear my wedding ring.  The one outward symbol of our commitment.  Especially since he used to get so pissed when I would ever take mine off.  Even to shower!  (Now he understands that it's way too big and it falls off if I so much as move my hand)  He lost his for TWO years.  I bought him a new one before he left, that way he could have it.  And he chose not to wear it.  The night he makes that choice, something like this happens.  In my mind him making that choice (when he's been so careful to wear it before and was always adamant that I wore mine) is like he didn't want people to know he's married on the night people randomly kiss each other at the stroke of midnight.  That's how I feel.  It's not logical.  That's why its called a feeling, not logic.  I don't understand that and I can't wrap my mind around it.  And now he's pissed at me.  I'm sure he'll be more pissed once he reads this, but I feel that the only way to work this through in my head is to get it out.  So there it is.  There may be more later, but for now this is all I have.  The end.