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I finally got motivated today!  YAY me!  We went to the AO and I ran.  And I ran and ran and ran.  I did 4.55 miles in 45:05!  Not my best time, but considering I couldn't take another step yesterday after .6 miles, I kicked ass!  I was going to stop at 4 miles and I started to walk for my cool down (I did walk in my run, I did my usual intervals) , but then my "hafta run" song came on.  You know that one song that you HAVE to run to and when you run to it you run fast!  So I ran until the end of the song and it felt really good.  Once my run was done I immediately remembered why I have started to like to run.  That surge of endorphins hit and I couldn't stop smiling.  I felt calm.  I felt happy.  I felt accomplished.  My runs have been less than great lately, so a good run felt amazing.

Here we are while we were still having fun

Later today, I tried to take the kiddos ice skating.  It was good for about 20 minutes.  We went over to Mt Spurr's rink.  It had been snowing so the rink was covered in snow.  But we decided to try it out.  And it was fine!  There was a small snow drift in the middle, so we stuck to one half of the rink.  Kayleigh got right out there and did GREAT!  It was amazing.  She only tripped up once and never actually fell.  Spencer did well too.  The skates they have for little kids to rent at ODR have double blades so he can stand and balance.  I expected to be overwhelmed, having to hold Kayleigh up and Spencer and keep my own self up too.  But those double bladed skates made it so Spencer could just stand and shuffle his feet.  He thought he was making train tracks in the snow.  And I actually got to skate a little by myself too!

But then Spencer started to complain.  It's too cold.  My feet hurt.  Really it was 21* and he plays outside with his friends for hours at that temp.   I really think he was just bored and doesn't like ice skating.  Next time (if there is one)  I will remember to bring snow pants and a sled so he can sled on the sledding hill that's right outside the rink.  So I had to tell Kayleigh it was time leave.  And she got upset.  Which I do understand, she was having fun.  But no matter what I do, someone is complaining.    So I get us all back to the car and start getting his skates off (my hands are FROZEN and barely working from having no gloves on earlier while putting everyone's skates on, they didn't have much of a chance to warm up while we were skating) and Kayleigh starts crying and screaming that her hands are frozen.  Well she wore thin knit gloves!  I told her to wear her waterproof mittens, but she said she'd be fine and didn't want them.  I guess that will teach her to listen and maybe, just maybe, I know what I'm talking about!  She was impossible. I told her to sit, she stood.  I told her to pull her foot out and she pushed.  Really I don't know why they can't just listen.  Spencer never listens to me anymore.  I ask (or tell) him to do something, he does it, but it takes an hour.  He can't listen and he just does what he wants until I SCREAM at him to do it.  Then he cries.  I've been trying to be more patient.  I realize that we are all under stress.  We're all sad that Nate's not here.  We all may have SAD (I am really starting to worry about Spencer).  I get it and I try to be patient.  But my patience tank is running on E.  Anyway, I feel like no matter what I do I can't make them happy.  I can make one happy, but the other is mad or sad.  I can't do anything right.  They both hate me.  They both think I'm horrible. And any time I try to do fun stuff I end up getting frustrated and angry with them.  I found myself today thinking that maybe it would have been better if I'd have left this world after Kendra died, like I had thought about so much then.  I felt like a horrible mom then and I feel like one now.  Nothing I do is good enough.  There is always complaints.  Dinners suck.  I didn't give Kayleigh a sister (I killed her) and she hates having a brother.  I am the worst mommy and stupid and  mean.  Why do I even try.  Because I care.  I care what they think and I want them to look back on their childhood and see parents that did things with them and for them.  That had fun with them.  And who cared about them.  But as of right now all they're going to look back and see is a mom who can't keep her shit together, who constantly yells, then cries about it.  And a dad who isn't there.  So much for that great runner's high I had today.