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I have had a lot on my mind today.  Mostly things about who I think I am vs who others see me as.  I have been doing a lot of "self discovery" since Nate has been gone.  And it has been good for me.

But this week I was told that I was not a supportive friend and always trying to compete.  I've been told I am a lot of things in my life.  Neurotic.  Anal.  Jealous.  Obsessive.  Crazy.  A raving bitch.  But no one has ever told me that I am those things.  It really bothered me.  It bothered me so much that I cried, a lot.  That is not the person I thought I was.  Or the person I was striving to be.

But the more I think about it the more I think it might be perception.  I am not the kind of person who will constantly go on and on about how great you are.  I wouldn't be friends with someone I thought was an idiot and wasn't great.  So if someone needs that in a relationship and I don't give that (because it's not who I am) than maybe I am not being supportive.  But it's not that I am not being an un-supportive friend.  I just was not supportive in the way that person needed.  So it's perception.  If I feel like I was supportive and they do not, it's not something that I should get upset about.  It's not something that I need to change.  It's not something  they need to change.  It just is.  We are different.  We view what support is differently.

The competitive thing got to me too.  A little competition is healthy.  When I run on the track and other people are out there, I always compete with people in my mind.  I am always saying things to myself, "you have to catch up to the person in front of you before the next turn"  or things like that.  It keeps me going.  It gives me
something to think about so I don't get bored (a major hurdle for me while running).   But beyond that I don't think I am competitive in nature.  I am not the kind of person who has to run a half marathon because so and so is running a 5k or take five classes at once because so and so is taking four.

I started this journey to 30 almost a year ago to do things that I never thought I would do or could do.  I wanted to break out of my box.  I want to be more adventurous.  I wanted to lose weight, and start running, and be a better mom and read more and do a hundred other things.  I am doing it.  I am crossing things off my list.  And I am doing it for myself.  As a wife and mother I NEVER do things for myself.  I do things for everyone else.  But I have made a promise to put myself first.  To try to remember who I am, other than Kayleigh and Spencer's mom and Nate's wife.  I want to try new things.  To make my now self better than my previous self.  If someone thinks I'm doing it to compete with them, then that's on them.

I guess all of this is to remind myself that even though sometimes what people think or say about you can bother and hurt you.  It is only their perception of you.  It doesn't mean what they say or think is who you truly are.  It just is who they think you are.  But only you and those who do not judge you  and accept you truly know who you are.  They have taken the time to understand your differences and realize that not all of each of your personality traits mesh. 

I don't have to be friends with everyone.  Not everyone has to like me.  It has taken me a long time to be able to say that.  It is OK.  As long as you stay true to yourself.  Know who you are and love who you are.  I am proud to say that I am getting there.

Kayleigh's gymnastics got moved to a new facility.  Hanger 5.  We all thought that being in the hanger, there would be TONS of space and it would really look like a real gymnastics gym.  Well, were we all wrong.  The hanger is where they do cross fit and pt test in the winter.  There is a weight room, indoor track and a ton of other great stuff.  There is also a ton of empty space.  Well, they chose to put the gymnastics stuff into two tiny rooms.  One room for bars and beams and the other for floor work.  The floor work room is also supposed to be used for vault.  Not going to happen!  It is not big enough.  Beyond that Jill had to put the trampoline in storage.  Because it won't fit.  That is the kids favorite part!  I took some pictures so you can see what I am talking about.
This is the floor work room.  You can see how small it is.  And there's a friggin wall in the middle of it!

Here is the big space that we all thought the equipment would be in
From the cross fit area, looking to a nice big open space.

From the open space looking into the cross fit area.

So there you have it.  Apparently Barbra Mongar (stupid MWR lady) says that the equipment can't go out there because if one of the adults who does cross fit gets on it and plays and hurts themselves they will be liable.  Which is total BS.  There is a really easy fix to that. Put up a sign.  Only adults will be in there.  And we assume all adults in the US military can read.  So put up a sign that says:

Do Not Play on Gymnastics Equipment

(insert place here) will not be liable for any injuries if unlawfully using gymnastics equipment

Simple solution.  There are A LOT of angry parents.  One of the moms tonight said that her neighbor is the Services CC.  So she is going to personally take him into the "rooms" and show him how inadequate they are.  Jill also said that the Vice Wing King's daughter is in a class tomorrow.  So hopefully something can get done through them.

Jill is pissed too!  She can't believe that they would give her such a crappy place.  As bad as the old chow hall was it was WAY better than this!  There has got to be a better place to have a gymnastics class.  At our previous bases gymnastics classes were held in the gym of the youth center.  And that was a very adequate space.  I don't see why they can't do it there.  But you know government and all their stupid rules and red tape!

Every parent in class tonight said that they are going to call and complain and take their child out of class and going somewhere else.  I will do the same tomorrow.  That is not worth $80 a month!  Especially when she won't be able to learn the more advanced things because there is not enough space.  Kayleigh has been talking about starting up dance again or cheer or a million other things.  So maybe this is the time for her to move on.  I would hate for her to quit gymnastics because she does love it and she has gotten good.  

POSITIVE THOUGHT #27

On a good note, I do know one more good thing about myself.  I am very open minded.  I am open to trying new things, living in new places.  I am open to fully immersing myself in other cultures and learning about different religions (even those that are not very popular with many Americans).  When I sit back and think about where I come from and the small town mentality of many people I grew up with, I realize I am VERY open minded.